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Entries in Hair (14)

Thursday
Dec062012

El-No: This Is What We Call The Muppet Shooooow!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

and... Scene. 

 

From the ridiculous purple hair to the crazy shoes, I'm speechless. 

 

 

Thursday
Jan192012

El-No: Big Cat Coiffure

Can a leopard change her spots?

Lord, I hope so. Otherwise Miss El-No is going to be stuck with this horribly unflattering hair situation. Meow.

I love when fashion seeks inspiration from Mother Nature, but this lesson isn't working. Leopard spots evolved as a type of camouflage- it protected these kitties as they hunted through the brush at night. Miss El-No is using her spots in another way- a cry for hair help.

Girlfriend should save the prints for her accessories and find a new do. Lock and Mane, can you help?

 

Monday
Dec052011

El-No: All I Want For Christmas Is You (And A Haircut)

What do you get when you cross a creepster pony tail with a receding hairline?

A bad decision.

For serious.

Sir, how did this happen? Please explain the rational. I'm still struggling to make sense of last night's Gossip Girl episode. There were housecoats and star-crossed lovers involved. I can't handle your hairtastrophe on top of my Chuck/Blair emotions.

Mr El-No needs to Bic that shiz immediately (or else he might be mistaken for some kind of a scary panel van driving predator). That's right, lather up the shaving cream and knock out a new hair do.

Too scared? Head on over to State Street Barbers and talk to a professional. Playboy Magazine rated them as one of America's best barber shops. If it is good enough for Hugh, it is good enough for you. I promise they'll fix this mister right up!

*Thanks for the photo AD!

Wednesday
Sep282011

El-No: Head Case 

According to the Dictionary, a scrunchie is “a thick elasticated band loosely covered with fabric, used to hold a bunch of hair, for example, in a pony tail.”

Interesting. Obviously those reference book people didn’t call me up to write the description of this lovely hair accessory. If I were consulted, the definition would read:

Scrunchie (n) a thick elasticated band covered with fabric, popularized in the Eighties and worn only by children, cheerleaders, ironic hipsters who shop at American Apparel, or women while washing their faces at night (but only as a last resort)

Seriously. Who wears scrunchies?

This lady does obviously…. and bedazzled hair pins too. I not so slyly chased Miss El-No down the street hoping to catch a good shot of this hair don’t. What resulted was a series of action shots that are making me consider publishing a bad hair flipbook.

I think Miss El-No should ditch the outdated hair accessories. She can update her look with some of these classic options from Lock and Mane.

Deepa Gurnani Stone and Chain Three Circle Headwrap for $75

France Luxe Melrose Ponytail Holder for $23

Jennifer Ouellette Extra Wide Striped Headband for $28

 

Monday
Aug012011

El-No: Sally O'Malley And The Pink Ladies

MTV and I are the same age.

I don’t think that we look worse for the wear either- thanks to teenage reality shows and a liberal dose of eye cream.

But getting older is hard… even harder to watch. Just ask Sally O'Malley. This reader submitted photo is a prime example.

Admittedly, Mrs El-No hasn’t walked the halls of Rydell High in years. So it makes sense that she forgot the rules that she learned while watching the 1982 movie musical Grease 2.

The Pink Ladies’ Pledge: To act cool, to look cool, and to be cool. Till death do us part, think pink!

This Pink Lady needs a hair do-over. Those crazy spikes are no way to land a date with the Cool Rider. She needs a hair intervention from the ladies over at Lock and Mane (she also might need to remove electro-shock therapy from her morning routine). I am confident that a round brush and a little TLC might fix her right up. 

*Thanks for the photo DH!

Tuesday
Jun142011

El-No: Such A Tease

Ouch. What did her hair do to deserve this kind of treatment?

Women have been coloring and teasing their hair since the beginning of time. We just can’t seem to leave well enough alone. Truth: This is the pot calling the kettle honey blonde.

Modern day hair color was created during the Edwardian Period by a French chemist. L’Oreal bottled the product and sold it as a tool for women to use so that they could look like the busty brunette model Camille Clifford. In need of volume, women also began using the permanent press machine that was created in 1905 by the Nestle.

I am confident those chemists and engineers didn’t plan for Team El-No to abuse their hair care privileges. The bleaching! The teasing! The hairspray! Oh My!

This has got to stop and I know just the ladies to help. Lock & Mane, what do you think about this hair don’t?

 

Tuesday
Apr052011

El-No: Airport Miracle 

I might need to move into Ohare.

The airport is where I get the best fashion faux pastographs. I plan to set up shop between the Vosges and the Starbucks in the United terminal. Then I will have round-the-clock access to Mo’s Bacon Bar and Lattes. Perfect!

I saw Miss El-No in the Denver airport while I was waiting for my flight to Chicago. She was waiting too… waiting for a hair miracle.

All she needs is a miracle; all she needs is Jennifer Ouellette. There is no reason to ever wear a jaw hair clip out in public. Ever. Please get this woman a satin Jennifer Ouellette hair elastic. Ranging in price from $15 for a satin elastic knot pony to $45 for a satin tie feather pony, these little lovelies will brighten up travel day hair.

 

Thursday
Mar312011

El-No: Achy Breaky S&M 

If Rihanna (circa 2010) and pre Hannah Montana Billy Ray Cyrus got together, this would be their hair love child. 

This hair has it all: A faux hawkish swirl, a long skinny tail, and enough pommade to stay intact during a rainstorm- even without an umbrella ella ella, ay ay ay.

Miss El-No already got me worked up with the hair, but don’t tell my heart (my achy breaky heart) about the satchel. This bag was obviously a knock-off of a knock-off of a knock-off Louis Vuitton. The actually Louis Vuitton would roll over in his French grave if he saw this bagtastrophy.

I am completely opposed to knock-offs. Stealing intellectual property from designers, unfair labor practices in the factories that make these items, and a rise in the cost of actual luxury goods are upsetting. There are a million other stylish bags in lower price points. Why choose this watered down version of someone else’s textile design? 

I think Miss El-No needs some new hair and a new cool bag ASAP.

I suggest a subscription to Hair Hype Magazine. They should be able to help her de-Cyrus her hair. Once she gets that under control, she should check out one of my local favorites Noon Solar. They have incredible and creative bags that are locally made (and have solar panels for charging your electronics).

 

*Thanks for the photo MD and SR!



Friday
Feb042011

El-No: Whip My Hair

Remember when we didn’t have 10 foot tall piles of snow everywhere and could easily move our cars? Back when patio furniture lived on the porch instead of saving parking spaces?

I miss those days.

Before Chicago turned into The Day After Tomorrow, I stumbled upon a herd of hipsters (or is it gaggle?) on the corner of Paulina and North Ave. They appeared to be heading to a Mohawk/ Fauxhawk convention because everyone was sporting the same spiky Willow Smith ‘do.

Seeing all of these ‘hawks got me thinking. Isn’t individuality the cardinal rule of hipsterdom?

Time for a change up kiddies. Team El-No needs to visit Lock & Mane for some on-trend hair advice.



Wednesday
Nov102010

El-No: Hair Stare

Sometimes I feel really old.

Yesterday was one of those days. The following things occurred:

  1. I was called Ma’am.
  2. I googled “The Dougie” because I was curious about the actual dance.
  3. I saw Miss El-No and was perplexed by the ‘do. I thought to myself… “How will she get a job with that hair?”

Who am I? When did I become an adult?

I really do not understand this hair.

I love and respect Mohawks and faux-hawks. Click here to read my discussion of the two on Lock and Mane. Teens are supposed to visually defy authority and social convention and these hairstyles of rebellion are old news. Mohawks no longer illicit shock and stares; they just seem normal.

But Miss El-No actually made me stop in my tracks. Her hairstyle seemed seditious and subversive. The extra clump of hair changed the whole dynamic.

Interesting? Yes.

Attractive and employable? No.

Maybe that was her aim? Or, maybe her hand slipped when she was buzzing her head?



Monday
Aug022010

El-No: It Ain’t Easy Being Green

Miss El-No, you are looking rather Suessical with this emerald hair and ensemble:

I do not like

green clothes

and hair!


I do not like them,

They give me a scare.

 

I do not like them.

So I say.

Dye them! Dye them!

And I may.

 

Miss El-No!

Green hair is odd,

Your hair looks moldy.

Oh my God!

 

Trust me, the green stuff should be gone.

Why dress like a Leprechaun?

Do not wear this out of the house.

You will scare my dogs and spouse

I would not wear that here and there.

I would not wear that ANYWHERE!

 

I understand that crazy hair dying is part of growing up and teenage defiance. But this unbecoming green shade? This toxic chemical/ energy drink green does not work with Miss El-No’s skin tone and is going to be a disaster to change once she comes to her senses. Why not show your angst in a more flattering way? Try sticking with a more outrageous version of a natural color. Blue black, cherry red, or platinum blonde are unconventionally appealing.

Green is one of my favorite colors for clothing. It looks just beautiful when worn as a pop color with neutral pieces. While I applaud Miss El-No’s use of color, I think she might have gone a bit overboard. Take it up a notch by toning down the grassy color.

Miss El-No will make everyone green with envy by picking up this adorable army green romper from Modcloth. Still youthful and hip, this look is definitely not screaming St. Patty’s. Looking for something a bit more feminine? Check out this chic lemon and lime stripe dress. Totally refreshing!

*Thanks for the photo SEA!

 

 

Friday
Jul302010

El-No: Elastic Cliptastic

I have a secret.

On Thursday, I ran errands wearing a Lululemon headband, a sports bra, and a black cotton short dress. I like to think of this as my “athletic” look, even though it really is my “I am too busy to wear real clothes” look. Yes, sometimes I slum it sporty style during the day.

But there are rules- rules that keep me from crossing over into Frumpland. Judging by the jazz in her hair and the ensemble, Miss El-No needs some help!

Elastic waistbands became popular for undergarments during the 1930s. They made their transition to sportswear much later. While the elastic waistband is tricky to sew (a sew-through installation is popular because it avoids rolling or curling of the internal band), it certainly is comfortable. My general rule of thumb is that elastic waistband pants/shorts should only be worn at the gym or post-Thanksgiving football watching.

Miss El-No, I suggest you upgrade this outfit to something that is a bit more Grubbie Glam (instead of these ill-fitting teal shorts).  I love this casual teal knit dress from Lane Bryant. This navy pima cotton dress from Anthropologie might make an appearance in my day-off clothing rotation. Are you on the way to the gym? Check out these Nike running capris. They have a flattering smooth waistband that will not stretch out.

Now, on to this hair. What is happening here with the plastic clips? Please don’t ever do this again. Busy and no time to blow dry? Pull the hair off your face with a hair elastic or a smooth headband. Or try twisting your hair at the nape of you neck to create a loose bun. 

*Thanks for the photo GS!

Tuesday
Jul272010

El-No: Hair Today, Back Tomorrow

The Italian Renaissance brought beautiful art and architecture, advancements in anatomy, and lovely religious paintings and sculptures. But anyone who took Art History 101 would know that. This time period was also special for another reason. It’s the era of the big brow.

Starting around the 15th century, Italian women began plucking their hairline and eyebrows to create a larger forehead. Ouch! The trend got more extreme as the Renaissance traveled north through Europe. Remember Queen Elizabeth I in Shakespeare In Love? England’s redhead Virgin Queen practically had a five-head.

What better way to show off a massive temple then forehead jewelry? Renaissance ladies wore horizontal headbands called ferronieres. These decorative bands also served a dual purpose- they were camouflage for skin marks from syphilis. Love multifunctional items!

Fast forward to 2008. The horizontal “hippie” headband made a come back. Look, I love a bohemian as much as the next girl, but I just don’t think that hippies are hip. This ferronieresque fad just wasn’t flattering.

Fast forward to 2010, why is this horizontal headband still around? Please stop wearing these. Accessories shouldn’t make you think of a sexually transmitted disease. Need some new ideas for your hair? Check out Lock & Mane for some tips and tricks. 

 

 

Thursday
May062010

El-No: Rat tail + Side Pony - Scrunchie = Hair Disaster of Historic Proportions


The rat tail (called a “love lock” or “queue” ) was a popular eighteenth century hairstyle worn by our founding fathers. Most men wore wigs during this time period so they could rotate through several different hairdos.

Or in this case, hair don’ts. 

I plan to take a pass on hair advice from Ben Franklin. 

Need some hair help? Check out Lock & Mane for tips!